It’s 11:37 p.m. on a Sunday evening and Emily is still awake, cowering in a corner and pleading with her husband to leave her alone. Tomorrow she is expected to give a presentation in front of her department and corporate, coming into town for their usual sweep of the stores to oversee the general operations. She can’t stop thinking about how exhausted she will be, and how impossible it will be to even fake a smile. She entertains thoughts of stopping right in the middle of everything and screaming “Help me, my husband beats me and I am scared to death for my life and my children’s life!” She is quite aware of how insane and desperate that all sounds, as well as the inevitable consequences. Dan, Emily’s husband has always been very stern, but ever since he lost his job 8 months ago, both his drinking and his anger issues have escalated out of control. Emily’s children, 9 year old Shane and 5 year old Breanne have seen their father angry, but never like this. To Emily’s disbelief, Dan relents, not in shame, almost in disgust. He walks out of the living room, over broken dishes and destroyed family portraits, through the kitchen and out the back door. Emily hears his truck door slam as he peels off into the night. She knows he will probably go to a motel as he has done many times before, only to come back the following day begging Emily’s forgiveness and offering up a laundry list of things “that will be different this time, I promise!” As easy as it should be to put yourself in the place of a woman whose domestic partner or spouse abuses them to say “You just need to get away from him!” the solution is never as simple for the victim. For a woman who has become accustomed to domestic abuse, it is a cycle that has typically gone on long enough period of time. The choice to leave is not as simple due to the fact that her self-esteem has likely taken a back seat to her spouse’s needs, there are children involved or she simply has no idea what to do or where to go for help.
Perhaps the most compelling reason why it is difficult for a woman to leave a man who abuses her is the complete break-down of self-esteem they often suffer. Women who are involved in relationships with a long history of abuse develop “battered women’s syndrome”, which is essentially an inability to seek help due to an intense cycle of repeated abuse. In this case, the victim’s self-image has suffered so profoundly, the “syndrome” is a psychosis of sorts. It has been suggested that women are somehow drawn to certain partners who have a pre-disposition for violence but also that even while having chosen such potentially dangerous and unhealthy relationships, that they themselves have little understanding of just why they made that particular choice (Kanazawa, 2008). It is also theorized that some men are coerced into acts of violence. Domestic violence is too often dismissed by those who see it and can do something about is as “none of their business” (Hughes, 2010). How is any of this justified? If you have ever heard somebody say to you “You make me mad!” you may have caught yourself wondering how on earth it was possible. After all, nobody is capable of *making* anybody angry unless they choose to be. The same could surely be said about a woman who ends up in an abusive relationship with a violent man. In contrast to this, I am certainly not implying that it should be as easy as breathing to get out of a violent relationship, I am simply suggesting that if a woman truly feels trapped in such a union, then not only should she take immediate action to escape, but I also feel that those closest to her have, by all rights, a legal obligation to use whatever means necessary to assist in her “escape”, especially if the abuse has elevated to a life-threatening level. Is it completely out of left field to suggest that those who know, yet do nothing to assist a woman in a violently abusive relationship be held into account as if they themselves were the abusers?
It is estimated that between 3.3 and 10 million children per year are either exposed or witness to domestic violence, in addition to this, an estimated 50 percent of men who were violent towards their wives were also violent toward their children (Bragg, 2003). Research suggests that women choose to stay in violent relationships because even worse than the abuse they suffer, so is the thought of raising their children as single mothers, or seeing the child or children grow up in the absence of a father (Githinji, 2008). Even if the child is not abused, there exists the possibility of lingering, long-term effects which are often dismissed by the abuser in denial of the situation. Depression, poor conflict-resolution skills and social withdrawal are among these effects and they will so commonly go undetected by the parents (Bragg, 2003). This is another argument that is difficult to dissect from an outside perspective, in that domestic abuse often goes unreported. I myself have been witness to domestic violence. My mother was abused by my step-father whom my mother met when I was six. The tendency was to try to keep it between us, as it would have been an embarrassment for my mother to tell her colleagues or me to tell anyone at school, even school staff. My mother was a laboratory technician and my step-father, a highly respected and well-known doctor who consequently knew most of the local law enforcement and the one attempt I witnessed on my mother’s behalf to clue the police in on what was happening was essentially shrugged off. Although these events took place 35 years ago; I would hope the laws have changed more in favor of the victim since then. How do you use the term “irresponsible” in regard to a parent (mother) who knowingly puts their child at risk of exposure to violence without sounding completely callous? Is it not the responsibility of *both* parents to protect their children from any potentially dangerous situation whether in or away from the home? Failing that, I propose that even if the child shows no signs of physical abuse, there
are still the potential aforementioned long-term effects on the part of the child who statistically will grow to repeat the cycle of abuse and I believe the abuser should be just as liable as he would be for actual physical abuse. In this particular case, how can we justifiably hold the victim accountable when it involves a child unless of course the victim was also the abuser?
It is easier said when in an abusive relationship, to make the decision to leave. Such decisions are often not enough, but the other necessary considerations (i.e. children, finances and employment) often prove too overwhelming for some women to ponder (Aguirre, 1985). Once again, the issue of “mind over matter” is a tough pill to swallow. A woman will seek relief from an abusive situation that is often, only temporary. There are options for women who desire to get away from their abuser. The YWCA offers shelter and counseling for women and their children, but admittance is “voluntary”, but the YWCA is a relatively pro-active organization and works to encourage counseling and intervention. In addition to the YWCA, a very useful online resource in Washington State is the Washington State Coalition against Domestic Violence. The site offers information on services, crisis hotlines and arrest and release information about the abuser, among many other resources. Whether or not we assume that a woman takes matters into her own hands and leaves in a last-ditch act of bravery, how is it not the responsibility of the law to take matters into *their* own hands once a woman makes this choice? Especially in cases where serious bodily injury has taken place, no protection order, and no “cooling off period” is going to protect the victim from further violence, in most cases. Perhaps my previous hypothesis about forfeiture of human rights for abusers was extreme and unrealistic, but I feel that, especially in the event that the victim seeks the assistance of a shelter, a more pro-active approach to the situation would be the legal and moral obligation of that facility.
How is it possible to know how to handle every situation involving domestic violence, whether you are the victim, or a concerned friend or family member? Certainly, the decisions are never easy for the victim of abuse and this is precisely the point. Women in abusive relationships have often been so emotionally compromised, that it becomes next to impossible for them to make rational, realistic decisions concerning the nature of their situation. The abuse continues because women, by virtue of their tendency to be led by their emotions, allow it to continue, believing they can somehow “fix” the situation or their spouse single-handedly. Albert Einstein said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” The typical scenario between an abuser and the abused is one that will always at least continue, if not escalate to more grave circumstances without some dramatic intervention. The culprit here, if I may again digress slightly, is co-dependency. Have you ever heard of a co-dependent curing another’s co-dependent behavior? If we can institute a “zero tolerance” policy on domestic violence and institute mandatory arrests for the abusers, as well as more effective treatment programs for women as well as their children, the cycle of abuse may in time ideally become less frequent. For Emily and her two children, the choice to get away from the abuse was made for them. Emily was beaten so badly one night, a neighbor overheard the noise and the police were called. Dan was charged with 1st degree domestic assault with intent to do serious bodily harm and sentenced to 18 months in prison, in addition to losing all parental rights to his children. Emily and her children now live in another state where she works as a legal advocate for domestic violence victims. Though still legally married, she has filed for divorce and has no desire to go back to her husband.
